Friendships are one of the most valuable resources a young adult can have. Having good friendships can make the difference between feeling full and whole verses feeling depressed and worthless. In my work as a therapist with young adults, I have observed that not having friends is associated with loneliness, emptiness and an overall sense of meaningless in life. Researchers have shown that an open, accessible friend serves as a protective factor for late adolescents and young adults, insolating them against various risk factors such as substance abuse and criminality (Fraser, 1997). The transitions and changes of young adulthood pose many challenges to adult friendships. This is particularly true for young men, who must learn to relate to other men in an entirely new manner: behaviors that were learned on the playground are often not helpful in forming adult relationships. The purpose of this paper is to explore the nature of the struggle men encounter as they endeavor to maintain and build friendships in young adulthood. It is hoped that this exploration will be valuable both to young people struggling with these issues, as well as those educators and helpers who work with them.
Friendships change in many ways during young adulthood. Young men who move away from home find themselves geographically distant from childhood friends. Men who finish high school and start a life of work find that work, and often family responsibilities, prevent them from seeing their friends as often. Not only does the amount of time that a young man can dedicate to his friendships change, but also the very nature of friendships begin to alter in response to developmental changes.
While adolescence is a time for discovering who one is, and what one’s role in the world is, the development of intimate relationships is the primary task for the young adult (Erikson, 1974). This transition can be very difficult for men. Many young men find that the ways they behaved in their friendships at younger ages no longer work. Competition and conquest of women were organizing themes in adolescent friendships that do not work well in the adult world. Friendships begin to become less a focus, as work and the pursuit of a family take a central role. With few models to help show them how to behave, many young men become isolated during this life cycle phase, or rely on their intimate, sexual partnerships for their companionship needs.
The decrease in male friendships has a profound cost for many young men. Male friendships serve different functions than do relationships with women. Men learn about being men not through their relationships with women, but through their relationships with other men (Keen, 1991). Further, supportive and open male friendships are relationships that men can rely on when they are having troubles in their work, with the women in their lives, and with their souls.
Mature adult male friendships are perhaps more unconditional than are intimate partnerships, whether they be with men or women. Intimate partners tend to place more demands and expectations on people than do friendships. The unconditional nature of friendships is essential for growth, as friends give us the space to be, not do. Male friends have no investment in their friends being "good boys," they are invested in them being themselves. Men can feel relaxed around their male friends, as they need not worry about the manner in which they communicate. They are accepted for who they are, not what they do or say.
Differences in the relational styles between men and women also point to the need for men to have male friends. Men and women differ in the manner in which they express emotions. Men tend to be instrumental, in that they often need to act their way out of problems (Ashford, LeCroy & Lortie, 1997). Generally, men do not need to talk about what is bothering them. In therapy, men often want to talk about what to do, not what they feel (Sleek, 1994). Men intuitively know what other men need. Male friends often know when a friend needs to talk or just be. Female friends and partners often mistake their wanting not to talk about a problem as denial. For example, what is not understood is that men, in the sublime act of having a beer or watching a football game are being. This is their form of meditation.
The point being, male friendships in young adulthood are far more important and nurturing than the popular press or academic literature has suggested. It is a shame that male friendships have been such a neglected area in research, as well as in the practice of therapy. Many therapists help men work through family and work issues, but few seem to address the importance of maintaining and developing friendships.
I will present one suggested exercise for young men and those who desire to be of service to them. It has been effective in improving the quality of the lives of many clients with whom I have worked. First, start a friendships log. In one column, write the names of all the friends that you have had in your life. It may take several weeks until you no longer remember any names. Go all the way back into childhood. Then, evaluate the current shape of the relationships: excellent, needs to work; good, could use a bit more care; poor, needs lots work; strained or hardly existent; or no longer existent. Then, ask yourself what you think about your list? Are you happy with the state of your friendships? If not, try to do one thing to improve the quality of each of your friendships. While this may be a seemingly simple act, many of my clients have felt their relationships transformed, and have experienced a deeper sense of belonging and community. Often, surprisingly little effort is needed to rekindle an important friendship. You will need to work hard at maintaining these relationships, as each of us is often so busy that we neglect to put forth sufficient effort in nurturing our friendships.
In closing, the end of this exercise can be the start of an important journey towards growth and healing. You will need to be aware of the stumbling blocks you may face in this process. Your mind will tell you that you do not have time, that some of those old friends may not want to hear from you, or that you would prefer not to make the effort. When you meet these roadblocks, write down the costs of not improving your friendships. All too often, these costs make the difference between a life of meaning, and a life of feeling lost and out of sorts.
Erikson, E. H. (1974). Dimensions of a new identity. New York: Norton.
Fraser, M. W. (1997). Risk and resilience in childhood: An ecological perspective. Washington, DC: National Association of Social Workers Press.
Keen, S. (1991). Fire in the belly: On being a man. New York: Bantam.
Sleek, S. (1994, November). Therapist, both male and female, fall victim to
stereotyping men. APA Monitor, 6-7.